I am not an athlete, extreme sportsman or even interesting what I am is a liar!
I was the science geek at school, no friends and bullied daily, making myself ill so I didn't have to go or just running away.
By the age of 16 I was isolated from my peers and my family, living in my own head; not a nice place to be.
I don't really really know how or why I decided to try and not be the pathetic specimen I had become but changes started to happen.
I took up Karate and body building and within a few years was competing in both. I was bigger, stronger and very capable but inside the same doubts and fears believing I wasn't good enough continued.
More was needed so I joined the territorial army as part of one of the Army's most prestigious Regiments. I was fairly successful. But I still wasn't good enough for me.
Time for something extra so I joined one of the emergency services. Now I must be good enough! No.
My disabled father died when I was 23, the year I got married and my mother the year later.
By the time I was 26 I had been medically retired from both my career and the TA. Oh yeah my marriage had broken down too. See not good enough again.
Infact so useless I couldn't even be successful at killing myself. Fail!
I worked as a doorman, I joined a bikers club and partied with Hells Angels, I skied, warterskied even tried wakeboarding. I did offroading on bikes and in cars. I ran half marathons and cycled 150miles regularly. I would help anyone do anything, always the one others could rely on. Because that's what made people like me!
Me, no I still didn't like me I was the same scared little kid from all those years ago.
Fast forward to 2009 when I was knocked off my motorcycle by an HGV doing a U turn on a dual carriageway.
I didn't even get a ride in the Air Ambulance, not good enough again? Actually it was because I was so seriously injured they thought I would die before hospital and didn't want to waste the air ambulance.
After a month in a coma I woke to be told I'd fractured my skull and had a brain bleed, I'd fractured C6 & C7 also T9 &t T10, fractured most of the bones in my face, deviated my septum, fractured all my ribs, tore the nerves out of my right arm and shattered my left knee. End of another Government job.
Cue years of operations, rehab and pain but hey, at least I can beat this, get back to work and my physical and exciting life I shared with the most amazing person I've ever met, my current wife. That should keep her on her toes.
Got out of the neck and back braces even got out of the wheelchair and stopped using crutches. A walking stick and knee braces was OK wasn't it. Not a chance I couldn't do what I did before, no real physicality, no helping others, infact I was the one who needed constant help. See failed again.
My friends won't want to know me so push them away.
My wife? Well I'm not really a husband to her now so she won't want me. I mean I couldn't keep my first wife when I was fit and healthy so what chance now. Best push her away too.
Time passes but thoughts don't, they stick around. Starting from 'I'm not good enough' and 'I definitely don't deserve a loving wife.'
Remember people only liked you because of what you could do for them. Those who do seem to like you only do so because they know the things you'd done before.
Massive doses of opioids help the physical pain but not the mental pain. I haven't beaten this, I'm not better, I can't work, I contribute nothing. I am just a burden. Probably better if I wasn't here. After 16 years of this I'm tired, I've had enough pain I just want it to go away.
If I had any worth it was what I could do or give not this!
So let's try again to leave it all behind, my wife and if there is anyone else who cares may be sad for a while but she'll get over it, move on enjoy life again I'm sure. Better that than putting up with this worthless piece of shit.
Obviously I failed again, otherwise this wouldn't exist.
I called this Half a century of lying and I have finally realised to whom I have been lying! ME.
I am good enough I deserve happiness and love.
I have eventually come to this conclusion due to few strangers.
Probably not the best description, but can you call a person or people with whom you have only shared a few very short conversations and who know very little about you friends?
Yes you can.
Ryan and his family reached out to me at the lowest point in my life, through their Scarred Society and sending me a "keep going you got this" chip and lending me Owning It the autobiography by Brad Smeele.
These people only know me by association, they don't know my history, they don't care about any of that they only care about what I'm/we're going through.
If they can send that amount of love and support then I can love me too.
To Ryan, Liam, all the Peacock family and everyone involved in the Scarred Society I would like to say one thing.
Thank you for saving my life.
You are part of a very small group, those people I call friends.
I can promise you one thing
I will Keep going and I have got this.
